I'm on Apology #47 this week...
This week, I
woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’m not sure why, as nothing is
particularly “wrong” or stressing me out, but according to my family, I’ve been
a tad bit grumpy and snappy. Here are just a few examples that I reluctantly
share with you:
Scenario 1:
Patrick and I were having a “discussion” (if you will) about an instance in
which I’d miscommunicated about something. It really wasn’t a great time for a
serious discussion because he had a migraine and was tired from a long workday,
while I was an emotional mess about something and in no state of mind to think
rationally. But I was trying to get him to see my side of things, so we kept trudging
along in the (unproductive) conversation. Well, during the conversation, he reminded
me of something I had said a few weeks prior that explained why he responded in
the way that he did. All in all, I vaguely remembered making that comment, BUT
I didn’t want to admit it because if I admitted it, then his point would be
valid and my emotional explosion would seem ridiculous and self-inflicted
(which it was!). So, I didn’t admit it. After a few minutes, he apologized
(even though I should have been the one to apologize), and we went to bed. The
next morning, I woke up cranky and still didn’t apologize until a few hours
later. In the meantime…
Scenario 2:
Riley Grace jumped in our bed, as Patrick was getting ready for work. She
started taking all the covers, so I tried to pull some back. She was being a
little cranky saying that I was taking “too many of the covers” and was too
close to her when I was trying to cuddle. So, I stormed out of the bed and reacted
in my best 5-year-old impersonation, “I was just trying to cuddle with you,
Riley Grace!” I went up front, did a few chores, began to fix breakfast, and
pondered how immature my reaction was to snap at my daughter, who had done
nothing wrong. I was the one acting like the 5-year-old! Because I had left
matters unresolved with Patrick the night before, my immature reactions were
carrying on into the next day! But then, to make matters even more humbling,
Riley Grace came out of the bedroom and said, “Mommy, I’m sorry that I wouldn’t
cuddle with you. Will you forgive me?” I knelt down and apologized to her for
my snappy reaction to something that shouldn’t have been a big deal at all. We
prayed that God would help us to use kind and gentle words and start afresh
with each other. But I was still so humbled and heartbroken that Riley Grace
was the first one to apologize (and she didn’t even need to!). My sinful
reaction to her caused her to feel as though she’d done something wrong and
should apologize. A few hours later…
Scenario 3:
We were coming home from running a few errands, and Riley Grace beat me to the
door. She started wiggling the door handle even though she knew it was locked,
and she accidentally triggered our house alarm. I snapped at her because I was
fumbling for the keys, anxious that the alarm would go off over this silly
mishap. She was upset and immediately apologized to me. “I’m sorry, Mommy. I
didn’t know that would happen when I tried to open the door. Will you forgive
me?” Cue immediate regret at my – once again – sharp remark to her about an
insignificant event that wasn’t her fault! I could have made the same mistake,
wiggling the door not knowing that it would trigger the alarm even before the
door was opened. I immediately apologized and asked her to forgive me. I
explained that it was an accident and that I didn’t know her action would
trigger the alarm either.
Whew! This
week, these three scenarios are just the tip of the iceberg with the apologies
I’ve had to make for my selfish heart and bad attitude. Typing these scenarios
makes them seem even more embarrassing and ridiculous when I evaluate how
sinful and selfish my heart was in each of these instances. In each scenario, I
had an opportunity to extend grace to the ones I love, but rather I chose self.
I could have been honest and admitted my mistake to Patrick, and our
conversation would have gone a lot better. I could have given Riley Grace some
grace if she just wanted to be alone in the bed when she first woke up. I could
have reassured her that the house alarm mishap was just an accident and
completely ok. I could have responded like a mature adult instead of a
five-year-old child! But rather, I responded selfishly, immaturely, and
sinfully. I have not been a fun person to be around this week!
While God is
definitely working on my sinful and selfish heart this week, the biggest
takeaway that I have gleaned from these three scenarios is from Patrick and
Riley Grace’s responses to my sinfulness. They showed GRACE and FORGIVENESS to
me, regardless of the clear reality that I’m undeserving of it! Their LOVE for
me, even in my sinful, immature, and unpleasant state, showed me the love of
the Father, who never gives up on me and who uses others to bring me back to
Himself. Their HUMBLE responses to my bad and unfair attitude gently revealed
my own pride, which led me to repentance and confession. Rather than pointing
out my sin, they just loved me and showed me a Christ-like response in the face
of unfair treatment. I am so thankful for their gracious responses to me every
day this week. If their reactions had mirrored my sinful attitude, then our
family would be in a really huge mess this week! But since their responses were
ones of grace, love, forgiveness, and humility, God was able to use these
scenarios for His glory, as I am brought back to my Father and humbled by HIS
grace, love, and forgiveness to me.
When Patrick
and I were engaged, we had a particular week where we both had really bad
attitudes, like my attitude this week! Patrick led us in confession and
repentance as we pored over this Psalm together.
Psalm 32
1 “Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
2 Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity
and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
3 For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.
5 I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,”
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;
surely in the rush of great waters,
they shall not reach him.
7 You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble;
you surround me with shouts of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
9 Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.
10 Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.
11 Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!”
Friend, if
you are one who needs grace, love, and forgiveness today, I pray that you will
humble yourself before the Lord and others and receive it! Like the psalmist, I
pray that you won’t leave your sin unconfessed and hidden, but rather you will
be open and honest in confession to your Heavenly Father and others, so that
relationships can be reconciled and restored!
If you are on
the receiving end of unfair treatment and selfish actions of others, I pray
that you will have the strength and courage to extend the grace, love, and
forgiveness that someone else may be in need of. As our Heavenly Father has
continually shown unmerited grace and mercy to us, I pray that we will be able
to extend it to others, no matter how underserving they are!
Father, Thank you for the reminder of
your faithful love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness to us. I pray for my sisters who
may need some extra grace, love, and forgiveness this week. I pray that we will
be bold enough to confess our sins openly to You and others in the goal of
transparency and reconciliation. I pray that You will remind us of the grace
and mercy You’ve bestowed upon us, so that in trying times of hurt feelings and
unfair actions against us, we will have the strength and courage to bestow grace
and mercy to those who have wronged us. Forgive us where we fall short, and
create in us a pure heart that seeks to love You and others above ourselves. We
love you and thank You for Your faithful love and presence in our lives. In
Christ alone, Amen.
Always, Jacquelyn
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