My Kindness Bracelet

Riley Grace, who will be five in three months, is my beautiful, spunky, creative, funny, inquisitive daughter, who at this point, still calls her daddy and mama her best friends! :-)  She never wants to leave the house without stockings. She despises bows, although she has about fifty of them hanging on a beautiful bow hanger in her room that is rarely used. Her creativity in drawing portraits of people astound me daily, as she tells me the tales of what’s going on in the lives of the people she’s creating. Her inquisitive spirit thrills and encourages me as we read Bible stories together and pray about the events of our day. Her dance skills and impromptu songs about random topics crack me up, as I see that she truly loves to make people laugh. She is truly a joy, and I am overwhelmed daily at the precious opportunity I have to be her mother, and also humbled and sobered at the incredible responsibility I have to exemplify Christ to her in every moment!

I tell you this because I’m about to point out a not-so-great trait about my feisty girl…

Riley Grace, with her soft voice and sweet smile, has a temper. This temper is not really evident at home. In the quietness of our home, she does not have to share my attention with anyone, and she doesn’t have to share her toys or space with anyone. Our home is relatively quiet, so noise is not a nuisance. Our home is relatively clean (don’t ask Patrick…our standards of cleanliness are a little different…mine being more on the messy side), so she’s generally able to find what she is looking for. It’s a pretty stress-free environment.

Her school environment (and my work environment – which is one in the same) is a different story, and understandably so. Preschoolers are running around to different centers and activities. Music is playing. Arguments over best friend drama are breaking out. A younger friend is barreling into her personal space. Drinks are spilling onto the lunch table. The favorite outside toy – the dump truck – is being snagged by someone else. The snack option is celery and peanut butter – NOT a favorite. Mrs. Jacquelyn (what she calls me at school because she’s realized that she can get my attention sooner by calling me that rather than “Mama!”) is caring for other kids, and cannot focus on her. And the list continues. There are many potential stressors at school that can instigate an angry reaction from Riley Grace. And many days, she is frustrated beyond her ability to cope and calm down, so she reacts negatively. There is generally shouting at friends and teachers, accompanied with throwing a fit and hurting a friend, sometimes very badly. As a teacher and a mom, this behavior, which has been a trend for almost two years, has been a constant source of frustration and embarrassment. I am the mom who tells the teachers, “My child really doesn’t act this way at home!” And it’s true!

As we were praying one evening before bedtime after a long, hard school day, I asked Riley Grace to pray about her sad choices at school that day. When her sweet and tender prayer concluded, an idea entered my mind about something Riley Grace could use to remember to be kind to others…a kindness bracelet. I had been asking the Lord to help Patrick and I develop something tangible and visible for Riley Grace that could help her to remember to calm down and make positive choices even in the midst of her frustration with a particular event at school. Being a girly-girl who loves all things jewelry and make-up, she loved the idea of a kindness bracelet, so we said “Goodnight” with the promise of making the bracelet soon.

In the meantime, the Lord had been dealing with me over my own spiritual apathy over the past few months. I have been tired and drained from work, and had allowed that to be my “excuse of the month” for why I was neglecting my own spiritual growth. Through a series of events, I was invited to be part of a book study with some girls at my church. Through this content of this study as well as the fellowship with these lovely women of faith, I have been more faithful in my walk with the Lord. I’ve been hungry for the Word in a fresh new way, and have been excited about seeking different godly resources for spiritual growth each evening rather than browsing through Amazon Prime (my most recent sinful diversion). As I was searching for a podcast to listen to one night, I stumbled upon one about parenting. I wasn’t prepared for what I was going to learn.

Here are a few of the main points:

-       Parents are the first image-bearers of Christ, so we have a serious responsibility to exemplify Christ daily. We are their closest relationships, and God made it this way. He purposed for us to be living the Gospel for them in a real and tangible way each and every day so that they can begin to glimpse and understand the truth of the Gospel. What a weighty responsibility!

-       The issues that we struggle with as parents are not new issues in our lives – they are just manifested in a new territory: parenting. For example, if we struggle with laziness in general, then we may struggle with laziness in our parenting. If we struggle with harsh speech in general, then we may struggle with it in our parenting. Parenting doesn’t necessarily bring in new sins; our old sins and struggles are probably evident in our parenting!

-       Our children’s struggles are often a manifestation of the behavior and attitudes of what they are witnessing from their parents. Duh, right? But when I evaluate what this statement really means, I came this conclusion:

In a very humbling and convicting light, I came to the realization that Riley Grace’s angry tendencies come from me!

Patrick and I have had a running joke (although it’s not really a joke) that I can get very “animated” to put it nicely, when I’m talking about something I’m passionate about (whether it be a good or not-so-good topic). He’ll gently tell me that I’ve got some issues. Then, I’ll remember to cool down, and maybe we’ll laugh. But underneath that joke is some uncomfortable truth. I do have anger issues, and many times I respond in anger before allowing myself to cool down. I don’t yell and scream, but I can use a very short and rude tone that’s accompanied by sarcasm. Many times, by body language follows suit with eye-rolling and crossed arms. Not my best moments!

Since Riley Grace’s school behavior immediately triggers embarrassment and frustration for me, my anger is usually ignited as soon as I see her teacher heading towards me or I notice Riley Grace sitting in the hallway as she’s had to be removed from interacting with her friends.

What would be even more embarrassing for me would be to have to replay whatever words I utter to her in the haste of my anger as we talk through the specifics of why she’s in timeout yet again. I would be mortified for you to hear the kinds of nasty things that have come out of my mouth or the scolding glares that I’ve used when I’m upset in the midst of one of her episodes at school. I won’t type the words out here, but as I sit here and ponder different situations in my mind, I know that I’ve spoken harshly many times and spanked in haste. I’ve reminded her numerous times that her daddy won’t be happy, and in doing so, I was hoping to make her upset. I’ve asked her question after question about why in the world she would do something like that, hoping to make her feel shamed and guilty for her behavior. I’ve reminded her that she can’t have playdates or fun things on the weekend if she continues this behavior, hoping to make her feel sad. Even as I type this, I have tears in my eyes over the lack of love I’m showing for her as I respond this way. I feel so embarrassed to even admit to those actions, but it’s the facts. And in my quick and hasty discipline, she is learning these negative and destructive behaviors and attitudes from her own mother, the woman is supposed to be an image-bearer of Christ.

After coming to this convicting realization, I talked it over with Patrick, who was a kind and gentle listener. Patrick is the exact opposite of me when it comes to disciplining Riley Grace. He has NEVER disciplined out of anger. I have learned so much by watching him love Riley Grace through godly discipline.

After confessing it to him, I wanted to confess to Riley Grace. We are trying to get into the habit of confessing to and apologizing to Riley Grace when we have wronged her directly or when she’s witnessed our sin indirectly. We hope that she learns from our confession! So, the next evening, I asked her if she remembers that sometimes I get angry at her behavior, and then I raise my voice and talk in a mean way, and then I have to apologize. She said, “Of course, I know that.” Oh, great! She was a little too quick to affirm my awful behavior! I told her that I think that she is making some of her sad choices with her mean words because she is seeing me do that, too. She quickly agreed to that, as well. ;-) I asked her to forgive me, and I also asked her to pray for me, too, that I would show kindness even when I’m upset. Since then, she’s been really consistent to pray for me to be nice. Sometimes, she forgets that this all started because SHE needs to be nice, too! ;-) She likes that we’re in this together!

A few days ago, she came home from school with not 1, not 2, but 3 kindness bracelets – one for each of us! She is serious about our new tangible reminders to be kind! Hopefully, they prove to be productive in our quest for kindness, but I know they won’t be magic! Even if our anger struggles continue, I am thankful for the sweet mercies the Lord has given us already in this journey, and look forward to His continued work! He is faithful!

APPLICATION

-       READ: Colossians 1:9-14 – “And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in who we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” 

-       EVALUATE: What are your children learning from you? What are they learning about how you interact with them when they have failed? Are you aware of what they are learning from you? Are you praying about how to be an image-bearer of Christ to them on a daily basis? What behaviors do you see in them that are a reflection of you? Don’t beat yourself up, but take the time to evaluate your parenting! If you’re like me, you will probably recognize some very ugly things that your kiddos are learning from you, but be encouraged! The Lord can redeem any sin or failure that has run rampant in your parenting until this point!

-       APPLY: As the Lord reveals areas of improvement in your parenting, create one goal for yourself. Start small, and don’t beat yourself up as your list of goals grows! We are all a work in progress, but that’s ok! As the Lord revealed my own sin of anger, my goal was to confess this to Riley Grace and pray together. As a result, the Lord has grown us closer together, and helped us remind each other to be kind in the midst of frustrating situations!

-       PRAY: Ask the Lord to make you an image-bearer of Christ to your children. Ask him to lovingly and completely reveal the areas of your life that are teaching your children sinful habits rather than godly ones. Ask for the Lord to give you His grace as you journey through this thing we call parenting. Pray for “all spiritual wisdom and understanding so as to walk in a manner worthy of they Lord” in the area of parenting. Pray to bear good fruit in your relationships with your children. Thank Him for delivering you over from the domain of darkness, and since we have been delivered, don’t dwell in the failures of the past or present, but trust His gracious work to redeem the messes we’ve made for ourselves in our parenting! Trust in His faithfulness!

Always, Jacquelyn